Thank you for being here. This is a small novel, but worth the read, because it's really about my hopes for you!
I wanted to share with you some insight about me and my background, as I felt it to be important to know that passion and purpose will always lead you home.
It’s crazy for me to think that I’ve never not owned my own company (well mostly). Even as a teenager, I had the confidence in knowing that whatever I wanted to do, it would work.
Why? Because I had no expectations, only dreams to follow. I only had an internal-drive, an all-knowing, that whatever I wanted to do, it would all work out. That tenacious drive is what pushed me forward to my desired outcome. You see, I knew where I wanted to go and worked backwards (mostly) to get there.
In my late teens and 20’s & 30’s, I:
1. Owned and sold my own clothing line called Papillon Activewear and I sold parachute pants to MC Hammer.
2. Learned to do permanent make-up for an added side hustle.
3. Took 18 months off and got a job as a Project Administrator of a Power Plan Start Up Crew Project Administrator where I managed 320 Mechanical, Electrical and Instrumentation Engineers in Maine, and then in Torrance, CA.
4. I gained the most notoriety and income as a magazine and newspaper Publisher, where I was also the Chief Editor- and became really passionate about creative and technical writing. I wrote all of the articles and reviews in the publication until I needed to hire some added help.
5. I simultaneously was a leading Kitchen & Bath Designer and worked for my father and then husband’s company. I LOVE design!
6. I continued as a marketing agency owner, which quickly turned into doing the work of a publicist as well.
7. That same marketing company, also grew to a networking and bartering division where I was on fire - adding more and more value for my clients.
I learned to hustle and I loved each and every moment of it. I’ve always found it important to have various sources of income. Yet, I was good at refining and understanding which to let go. Fun and creative, yet not profitable were side hobbies - got it, learned it, understood!
In my 40’s, I slowed down on multitasking (well sort-of) and honed all of my attention and skills into my Brand Development and Marketing & Publicity Agency and niched down to mainly representing major influencers, household name brands, artists, Grammy talent, major music festivals and even Live Nation, tech startups, app development teams (for major names) and other accounts. They were all under the umbrella of my agency. I was even an artist manager and publicist for big known names, running their business, getting them featured, securing them festivals and gigs. Life was a bit crazy during this time, as I took on too much and was growing in leaps and bounds - hiring help where I needed it. Although, I was having the time of my life, until I wasn’t.
You see, at the peak of my career, my Mom called me to let me know she had cancer and needed to move in with me and help care for her. I gladly agreed. She had a horrible time with her cancer, the doctors and more-so her internal struggle of not wanting any help, from anyone, including me. She was fearful of everything and it was sad to watch, as her daughter. Her death was horrible, as she had what is called “Terminal Agitation.” After she was too sick to get up, or do anything on her own, she only wanted me — to feed her, give her her meds around the clock, change and bathe her, and so on. The CPA’s and nurses were not allowed. She’d scream and refuse for them to touch her. Again, it was a site, and a memory, that I hope to one day forget. Needless to say, I was more than overwhelmed. I was drained, heartbroken, extremely sleep deprived and confused as to how I could possibly manage famous talent, brands and bands, while properly caring for my Mom and giving her the attention she deserves under the unique circumstance.
I’ll never forget making those dreaded calls to all I represented. One-by-one I called and let them know I needed to let their account go, due to the care needed for my Mother, and if they would so graciously allow me back after my Mother passed, that I’d be honored to accept.
On February 10, 2019 my Mom finally passed. It was torturous. Hospice said they'd never seen anyone live for 8 days without water. They had thought it was impossible, and told me Gandhi only lived for three. My Mom didn't want to go and it broke me. My Mom was so private, fearful and never wanted any attention throughout her life. She was a Chicago Italian, always busy and on the move. She didn't like being the center of attention. So much so that she wouldn't walk into her surprise birthday party. She was afraid of heights, mountains, her kids being sick - we all lived on a constant prescription. Outside of her paranoia, she was also a blast! She laughed a lot, loved to go to the horse track, play cards and games and gather with close family. She loved her family. She prepaid for her burial because she didn't want to be a burden. She went as far as donating her entire body to science at Stanford so new doctors could chop her up and learn and then they'd cremate her for free and give her back to me. This was my Mom. A little nutty, and very insecure, but had a heart of gold. I miss her laugh, and her being around. Although, I hear her laugh when I laugh. It's a bit of a confusing, loud and abrupt laugh. Yet, it's mine and I got it from my Mama.
Five days after she passed away, I finally got all of the Hospice equipment out of my home. My sweet daughter-in-law stopped by to pay her condolences and deliver a bouquet of hand-picked flowers. She was breastfeeding my granddaughter and shared with me that her breast was really hurting her. She asked if I’d have a look at it. So I did, and told her to get to the hospital immediately, as it was swollen, discolored and had unusual dimples in it. She had thought it was a breast infection. I watched the babies (ages 1 & 3) while she went to the hospital with our son.
Within hours we got the call that she had Stage 3 breast cancer. She was in her early 30’s. I felt like I was in the twilight zone, I was stunned and numb. I couldn’t believe what was happening, this couldn't be happening, what the fuck is happening is all I could feel and think - nothing was processing quite right. This couldn’t be real! Well, Stage 3 soon turned to Stage 4. I found myself doing what anyone else would do, I jumped right in and began helping with drives to Stanford for her chemo, radiation and surgeries, and watching the babies as I could, so our son could continue working and our daughter-in-law could get to her treatments and rest.
Needless to say, somewhere in the mix, I had called my clients again to share the unfortunate news that I would not be returning. They were supportive and to this day, we still stay in touch.
During all of this, I had been getting kidney stones and needing to laser them out and get stents placed in my kidney-to-bladder. It was all horribly painful and not fun. I never spoke about me, and my pain though. I had to focus on the babies and my daughter-in-law. After she passed away, I began getting more and more kidney stones. Long story short, a huge stone was misdiagnosed as a new stone, time and time again. It was so large in my ureter (kidney drain) that my kidney was taking the brunt of it. The pain was excruciating.
I was thankfully transferred to UCSF and they scheduled an emergency surgery to cut out my damaged ureter (kidney drain - from kidney to bladder), cut my kidney out, and then relocate it to the other side, just below my other kidney to attach it to the other kidney and bladder. Ouch, yikes, what in the world is happening, and how did I get here, was all I could think of?
It was a major surgery. One evening, I was visualizing (I'm very visual) the surgery and knew that they needed to cut out the valves and remove the kidney to relocate it and attach it on the other side. Once I saw (in my mind) that my kidney exiting my body to be put back in, I had an instant epiphany that I could save someone’s life if I donated it. I jumped up with excitement in the middle of the evening, got on to my computer and registered on a kidney donor site. I was prompted to get tests, scans and lab work, and jumped up the following day and had my husband drive me to San Francisco (two hours away) and I got all of the testing done. On that drive, I had a kidney stent in and was bleeding. I was in so much pain that my husband had to put a blow-up bed in the back of the car and I had to lay down the entire time in the car, there and back. Walking, or taking steps made the hard stent drag on my bladder until it bled. It tugged on my kidney. It was not fun, as each stent I had gotten became more dense, as the ureter's scar tissue would bare down on it until my kidney wouldn't drain and would swell three times the size of my other kidney. I'd moan and vomit in pain. I wanted this thing out. Yet, I knew waiting it out a bit longer would benefit someone else.
In the morning, prior to heading to San Francisco, I had called my kidney doctor /surgeon who'd be performing my kidney relocation, and I officially called the surgery off. He gently discouraged me, and told me how important it was to keep my kidney, assuring me my kidney numbers were good and it was strong. All of the staff, and doctors, and organizations who get involved seemed to discourage me as well. I even had to sign paperwork that no one was forcing me to give my kidney away to a stranger. I guess there's big money involved in that and lots of underground scandal, with big payoffs. I signed whatever I needed to and kept my laser focus to accomplish what I wanted to. Between all of my bodies trauma, the misdiagnosing of my massive stone that grew a ridiculous amount of scar tissue and the loss of my Mom, and daughter-in-law, as well as losing my Father 19 years earlier to a botched kidney transplant, donated by my oldest brother, when I was a strapping 36 year old, there was no one who would talk me out of it. I also felt that my father was never able to walk out of the hospital from his kidney transplant, but I could maybe allow someone else too, so they could live. There were so many reasons for giving my kidney away. With all of the push back I was getting, I didn't let it bother me. The one trait I appreciate about me, is when I make up my mind to do something, it’s go-time..
Now, in a lot of pain, I anxiously awaited someone to come up as a match, that one person who desperately needed my kidney and I would be their person.
Approximately three weeks later, on March 20th, 2020, I received a call and on March 22nd, 2020 I sat in the hospital in the surgery prep room waiting to be wheeled out for surgery. It was during Covid and my precious husband would wait in the parking lot, for what I found out to be 14 hours. The recipient was a few doors down awaiting it. I gave my kidney to a Mama of 4, a Grandma of 5 and someone who only had months to live. I actually helped her live. What a beautiful thing! For the first time in the last three years of hell, I felt alive and born again. The lady I learned was Asian, and our kidneys were a perfect match. Just another confirmation that God made us all the same!
There was the prep time, and the 4 1/2 hour surgery and the area you go into after surgery, prior to getting to your room. For whatever reason, I wasn't breathing on my own and my oxygen would drop to dangerous levels. I was there for a solid 9 hours. My adorable husband never left the parking lot. He'd received updates through text messages and was worried sick, as he had been told I'd be in a room within 5-6 hours. When I was cognizant enough, the recipient's surgeon came in and told me that her surgery went well and that the kidney was already working. I remember feeling euphoric. No, not from the drugs, from my heart and soul. I was beaming with gratitude.
After the hospital, I felt like I was on a natural high. Donating my kidney made my heart soar with purpose, and I had a new zest for life. If I'm being honest, I had a similar feeling as to when I gave birth to my kids. That excitement, the crying, the happiness, the new life.... it was all of that. I know how short life is. I am keenly aware. I’ve lost my grandparents, my parents, and some close family members and friends. Life is absolutely precious!
On Easter, just a few weeks after surgery, I received a call from the recipient. The first thing she said is, "You saved my life, thank you Tanya." It was music to my ears and we both cried.
I learned to understand more about my passion, my inner desires, and the talent I've always had with helping people, and developing brands, with a focus on growth, and visibility. I love doing my part in making the world a better place to live in, on the daily. Kindness and giving fills our hearts with purpose and meaning.
In the past, my career had always held me back from working with and helping the masses. Instead, I was only able to take on a handful of celebrity talent, and big name brands. The work was just too demanding to take on more and serve them the way I knew I needed too. Service was, and is, my number one. It wasn’t until I had great loss and great gain of giving, that I realized that I was longing to help as many people as I could grow, both professionally and personally, and by putting a course together online, and catering a mastermind of sorts, I could teach thousands of people. There were no limits, and that is exactly what I did.
Now in my 50’s, I am living the life my way, with more freedom and flexibility than I have in a very long time. I found myself again. I truly feel "born again" after donating. I feel as if my vibration to all that is, has risen, and I now have a vast understanding of just how precious life is. I know that waiting to say yes to me is not an option. To be able to help women, at any stage, and any age live out their dreams -- to be anybody they want and do whatever it is they want to do is my purpose. I want to wake the fire in others and show and teach them all that I've learned over my career to short-cut, fast-track and accelerate their journey through becoming a successful entrepreneur. All of the women who used to ask me how I was able to be so successful in a man's world. I don't believe that to be true. It's our world, yours, mine, theirs and ours. You take charge, cut through the chase, follow your dreams and get busy with a solid plan. The world is waiting for you to arrive, I believe that. This next phase, my bridge of sorts, is about teaching other women to say yes to themselves, to take risks, chase their dreams, and to quit worrying about what others think, and playing the comparison head trip. You are worthy, and you, whoever you are reading this, have a gift that is unique. Whether it be your life experience, your schooling, or credentials, you got it! I'd like to use my life knowledge and career experience, and share it with the world, to anyone who will listen. It’s my calling, it’s my passion, and I know there is only one you, and each of you share unique gifts. We all do! Worry and comparison are simply toxic for our souls. Throw them out the door, say goodbye to them. Divorce their deceitful selves and become your highest form of self. All of the negative self-talk just holds us back and deprives us from our greatness. Explore, wander and break out of the safety zone. No more being stuck, okay?
I don’t want that for you, and you don't want that for you. I know it, and so do you. So go live, love and explore the unknown as if no one was watching - truly (I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true). Explore your depths — live your life.
My entire life I’ve been planting seeds of intention, creating new ideas and new plans, pivoting, and nourishing my creative mind and adventurous soul. There is no feeling that is greater and more freeing for me than to plant my seed-of-intention and run with it – being fearless, adventurous and exploring the unknown. I hope you will do the same, and if you fall short, learn from it and do it, or something else your heart desires again. It’s all a part of growth.
I’m here to teach you that you too can do, and be, anything you want. You can thrive by having that headspace. You are fully capable of coming up with an idea, planting the seed of intention, and creating a strategy- knowing that you have someone with great experience and enthusiasm by your side. Yes, me! Personally, I never had that, but you do. How cool is that? I roughed it out, and figured things out along the way. I took the long haul, but I did it. :)
Remember, it all starts with having a desire and planting the seed of intention. What do you say, are you ready to say yes to your dreams and throw out the worries and fear and just make life happen?
Come on, let’s do it!